To start…THIS MOVIE SUCKS! – Spoiler Alert: This review is both real and based on Humor…
The plot: Some ‘Orb’, which contained the ability to provide extraordinary power to whomever owns it, is the focal point of this horrific movie. Unfortunately for whoever has it in his possession, it also has the unfortunate downside of killing him when he holds its contents in his hands.
The story line is really simple. Most of the movie is spent with a group of misfits, who originally all hate each other, teaming up to capture the Orb after they’ve lost it to an evil guy with a bad haircut and what looks like mud rubbed all over his face.
One thing that struck me as strange is how everyone in the universe evidently speaks English. Of course, this is no different than Star Wars; however it is apparent to anyone with a brain that there is no comparison between these two movies, because Star Wars is awesome. This is because Guardians of the Galaxy is one of the shittiest movies I’ve ever seen.
My wife, my daughter and I suffered through about 2 hours of torture watching this movie.
To be fair, there were about 20 or 30 one-liners in the movie which were funny. However; when they are coming from a huge blue-bodied muscular and heavily tattooed with red burn marks, a talking tree, a genetically mutated raccoon or the green faced bounty hunter, these funny moments don’t really “hit the spot”.
I suppose the only highlight of this movie is the relatively good looking half cyborg blue chick (looking like the Borg from Star Trek), who happened to also be the daughter of the evil father who was behind the whole plot to get a hold of the Orb and take control of the universe, and with a probable desire to make everyone his bitch. Also, evidently the only planet in the universe which has music is the Earth The only human (main character) who carries his vintage 1985 Sony Walkman with him (which contains music from days gone by) tries to convince everyone that music is good, and so is dancing. In fact he makes reference to the movie Footloose, which was also a stupid moment in this movie.
Save yourself. No, I mean it. Save yourself and your time, as you’ll never get it back. Do not watch this movie. 😉